I did not know what hate was when my mother was alive all I knew was love. Then she died and suddenly I was in Hate Land where I was mistreated and became the receptacle for the poisonous feelings of my father in particular. The sudden change in my life was so shocking’ it broke me literally. It was so confusing trying to make sense of my traumatic reality. I just could not understand why I was hated what did I do wrong I tried so hard to make everyone in my universe happy. Their feelings were more important, mine were of no consequence. I tried being a good Christian always trying not to hurt anyone and help everyone still I was hated. I kept asking myself this question: Am I A Bad Person?”
“Eventually the child will come to completely INTERNALIZE the belief that s/he is ‘bad’ and the false belief will come to fundamentally underpin the child’s self-view, creating a sense of worthlessness and self-loathing.”
Gradually, as I grew older I realized that mine was a dysfunctional family and I was the scapegoat. No matter what I did my father would hate me. Looking back objectively, he may have been suffering of borderline disorder, he just could not control his rage. Anything was enough to trigger him off into an episode of violence. Gradually, I realized that my father would go on hurting me, he did not have the capacity to care. The problem was my father not me. In that dynamics my brother who was also the receiving end of my father’s violence seemed to take over from my father as he got older, eventually my father became the benign one and my brother grew more and more wrathful, he was a perfect example of displaced aggression.
Finally, I escaped from living hell with an unsuitable man according to my Catholic family, he was separated going through a vicious divorce, I went from the frying pan to the fire. After leaving home my old father felt exposed and ashamed of his behavior. I don’t think he was sorry for his behavior, it was more about how it appeared to the world.
And I, just wanna leave
Oh, God, please help me now, I wanna leave
Oh, but I, I just wanna believe
Oh, God, please hear me now, I wanna believe
I just need to know, that You’re really out there
(Song‘Leave’by Michael W. Smith)
Maybe later, he probably wanted to repent but my brother would not let him. According to my brother, my father died saying he did not want to see my face, I can only feel pity that dying with hatred for a child whom you brought into this world is the most despicable thing. It is the sure way to hell, that is what I believe after all ours was a Christian family who believed in heaven and hell, that we have to pay for our sins. The core concepts of Christianity are love and forgiveness, not hatred.
Today as a parent I can’t fathom how a father can hate a person whose existence he is responsible for. Frankly, when I look back I don”t know what brand of Christianity my family followed because love, forgiveness, caring were not part of their existence. I feel like a fool that I blindly believed and tried to follow my Christian faith which nearly cost me my sanity.
My only conclusion is that Jesus came from a loving home, he did not understand the origins of hate. Just telling people to love when they don’t know what love is is like telling someone to build a ship when he does not know what is a ship.