Childhood abuse is the betrayal of an innocent’s child’s trust in his/her parents and family. The basic premise of the family is the implicit feeling of being loved and cared for. And that they will never intentionally betray you by hurting you physically or emotionally. You expect that they will be there to protect, support, and help you and vice-versa.
However, being abused, neglected, and invalidated by the people close to you leaves you with a deep sense of betrayal. Your core sense of who you are is destroyed. It undermines your self-confidence and belief that the world is a loving, safe place. Thus, your trust is shattered.
Childhood trauma profoundly alters our view of the world. Before abuse, your view of the world was it was a safe place. However, after the betrayal, you realize that the world is cruel and you have to be alert to potential danger. Every interaction is the cause of stress. The world is a dangerous place.
The Shame of Being Not Good Enough
Childhood trauma not just means abuse, many times it involves insidious and toxic relational interactions and sometimes non-interactions that happen in the family. Moreover, when our closest caregivers stop connecting and caring about us, and worse begin treating us like a nuisance to be tolerated our trust and self-esteem slowly erode. Hurt starts seeping into our core self. Further, disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears – the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable.
Neurological studies show that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain which is activated by the experience of physical pain. Abuse destroys the feeling of being part of a loving family unit. It deeply wounds us, the pain of alienation is very real.
And what makes this covert betrayal so much more dangerous is that we can’t point to the source of our pain – there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. You feel you are going crazy. Furthermore, the family denies either rejecting you and claims that they care about you. While their actions show otherwise. Your reality feels like it is on shaky ground. It unbalances you.
The daily rantings of my abusive father destroyed my sense of worth I began feeling I was a worm, creepy and crawly, with no right to anything. And I was ashamed of being treated like this. This shameful secret I kept hidden deep within me. I was afraid to reveal to people outside how my family treated me. And if I dropped hints, it was brushed aside and dismissed.
Hiding The Pain of Betrayal
Continual childhood trauma damages the amygdala, the part of the brain that controls the way we react to certain stimuli or an event that causes an emotion. The brain thus altered affects a person’s perception to threat making him super-sensitive and hypervigilant.
To cover up for the lack of caring and my sense of inferiority feeling, I became a super-efficient and capable person. I pretended and pushed my needs aside and became the ‘rescuer’, ‘the yes woman’, ‘the people pleaser’ ‘the good Samaritan’ always at the sidelines ready to jump to assist anyone. Furthermore, I did not want to say ‘No‘ because I told myself I would not be like them and betray or let anyone down. I was slowly filled with anger, hatred, and resentment. Until I realized if I don’t take care and protect myself no one else will. Finally, one day I woke up to the reality of my life and stopped taking shit from anyone.
Betrayal Trauma: How we Downplay, Block Out, or Put on ‘Rose-Colored Glasses’ to Avoid the Pain
Trust and Recovery
Healing from that core sense of betrayal that you are not valuable you need to let go of your expectations. Reading the book by Don Miguel’s The Four Agreements, I realized the truth of his 2nd Agreement Don’t Take Anything Personally- If you have been abused, it’s crucial to identify with your deepest longing to heal, improve, and create value and meaning in your life. It is far more empowering to recognize that your attachment bond has been betrayed and that you have to take steps to address your emotional wounds.
Self-care and self-love are required in huge doses. You must become selfish and build boundaries. You must give yourself the pep talk that you are an important, valuable, and wonderful human being. If people in the family, were lacking the capacity to love, the problem was them not you.
Get over the shame and self-blame Find relationships, people who will honor you and nurture you. Safe, solid relationships are the only way to heal from the betrayal of not being loved and cared for by your close family. You can start by having a nurturing relationship with yourself. Self-care is the best care.
Image Source: Pixabay
Further Reading:
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. (Author)
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward
Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse – Jackson MacKenzie
I am a girl,15 and getting over betrayal by my mom! I was a junior bridesmaid in my cousins wedding back in may.It was a catholic wedding and over 3 hours long.Mom told me that she was worried that i might have an ‘accident’ during the ceremony,so she had me wear a cloth diaper and plastic pants under my dress that i was some what ok with.Nothing happened during the ceremony.That next week, i found out that the real reason she had me wear the diaper and plastic pants was to prevent me from sneaking off with a boy and having sex! I felt totally betrayed by mom and that she didn’t trust me! I am still angry at her!
I’m so sorry you went through that. Your mom’s behavior was irrational and demeaning. How she behaved was through the perception of her own trauma history. There is no use trying to rationalize with crazy.
When people treat you badly always remember Don Miguel’s second agreement ‘ Nothing someone does is because of you. What someone says and does is a projection of their own reality. If they treat you badly it is because of they are relieving themselves of their own pain and you just happen to be a convenient receptacle for their rage. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.’ Check out my article on how to overcome our dysfunctional childhoods and become mentally healthy.
It’s amazing that you at this young age were able to see your mom’s craziness and share it. If possible talk to her about how it affected you but only if she’s open to self-reflection. Often it’s a waste of time trying to drum sense into people with low Emotional IQ. Keep reading, learning, expression and growing. Don’t waste your life on fighting stupidity, particularly parental. It will only keep you in a never ending trauma loop.
As you grow into adulthood decide if they are worth your time and effort, or else cut loose. Good Luck, you’re brave and beautiful.
To Annie Holton-I sympathize with you! When i was 14,i finially made my First Holy Communion it the class of 7 year olds.Mom dressed me like the little girls in a poofy,short sleeve,knee length communion dress and veil with the lace anklets and white maryjane shoes.She had me wear a pair of white rubberpants and a tee shirt under my dress just like the little girls wore.I felt weird having the rubberpants on under my dress and had to wear the outfit all day up untill bedtime!
So sorry you had to endure that, that too on your First Holy Communion day.
Glad to read your post. I’ve known family trauma, as did my siblings. Two sisters, one with schizophrenia and the other an alcoholic, a brother who overdosed on a cocktail of drugs and myself diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I sought treatment and partially recovered after intensive therapy and medication. But most importantly, somehow I retained a profound appreciation of life and it’s many mysteries that has sustained me throughout my life. Some real and probably some imagined, it worked, although I have spent much of my life living alone. Yet, I am happy to be alive, painting, playing flute and guitar and searching for minerals in remote locations after more than 40 years working as a Private Investigator, a Business Analyst and Auditor, a taxi driver, a school bus driver, a state compensation representative, a rental repair mechanic, an Army medic, pharmacist and lab tech, and an Arts and Crafts retail manager. It has been a hell of a journey. All I can say is that there can be life after an early trauma, not always fun, but always fascinating. .
Wow, amazing, I am in awe of your numerous talents despite all your hardships. I am so glad you were able to overcome and thrive despite your devastating hardships. Would you like to share your inspiring story of healing with my readers or you can share your paintings. Good wishes and hugs.
In your video you ask listeners to comment anonymously on whether we identify with the term ‘trauma’ and would I identify with my experience of betrayal as ‘traumatic’. My answers are yes and yes. Highly traumatic, I felt as though my whole life fell out through a hole in the ground.
Childhood trauma usually happens within the family unit and it is a huge betrayal that takes much effort and time to get over. Hope you are healing. Hugs