The word ‘forgiveness’ triggers me. I spent a lot of time hating myself for stupidly believing the Christian dogma of forgiveness. My mental health and life were seriously impacted trying to live up to this indoctrinated belief of ‘forgive and forget.
Gosh, believing that I had to forgive not just 7 times but 70 x 7 times. It sent me down the rabbit hole of madness.
Forgiveness and The Freeze-Fawn Response
Looking back I now realize that forgiveness was more of a ‘freeze-fawn response.‘ I couldn’t escape from the nasty people in my life and I definitely could not fight them. Furthermore, in a toxic family, in order to survive, just freezing/blocking of one’s emotional reactivity is usually not enough.
An abuser is usually an energy deficient parasite. Their ego requires recognition. If you ignore them they will attack further. Survival means making these personality-disordered people feel they are great, wonderful, righteous, etc. You have to lick their boots, polish their mirrors and be at their beck and call. You have to fawn over and please them.
Many survivors adopt fawn-forgiveness as a survival response. It becomes an “involuntary submission behavior’ to gain acceptance. Moreover, to forgive and forget has become a popular social construct.
Fawning comes about especially when the victim must retain a relationship with the abuser in order to meet basic needs, including the need for love.
Fawn or people-pleasing makes us magnets for further abuse.
Fight-Flight Healthy Survival Response
Our instinctual healthy response to any danger is fighting the threat or fleeing from it.
We shut the fuck up, pretend and, go along with their agenda. Unfortunately, that becomes our default mode of behavior in our adult life. We were groomed to tolerate abuse. Because we never learned how to stand up for ourselves or enforce boundaries.
We delude ourselves into thinking that we are good people. Very often people who are afraid to fight back cover up their weakness by forgiving. More often, it is just cowardice and self-preservation than a noble virtue.
Forgiveness does not make a perpetuator change his /her behavior, it only reinforces their belief in their righteousness of treating you like shit.
Questioning Forgiveness — A Former Therapist Explores
Overcoming The Fawn Response Of Forgiveness
It is utter foolishness to keep forgiving small and big misdemeanors. Moreover, perpetrators take this as weakness and stupidity. I regret not fighting back, standing up, ignoring and passing off all the covert and overt abuse I was subjected.
Furthermore, had I known that forgiveness does not stop an evil person, I’d have fought off and stood up for myself. Unfortunately, my psyche was encoded to forgive. I feel it so wrong for any religion to push forgiveness.
Showing The Dog The Stick
Recently, while on my walk back from the beach, I encountered a barking dog. My son recoiled, an involuntary reaction to his past experience of being bitten. Immediately, I picked a stick and made the motion of going to hit it. The dog quickly slunk away. Moreover, the next time I passed, the dog benignly looked at us with no hint of aggression.
What an enlightening lesson that was. When your safety and well-being are threatened, go into attack mode. A person will think twice about ever abusing you. Most perpetrators pick on soft targets. The ones who will not fight or tell.
A people-pleasing person needs to work very hard to try to edge over more into a healthy ‘FIGHT’ mode. They need to do whatever it takes to protect themselves and to set healthy boundaries with other people.
Learning The Art Of War
Getting unstuck from this fawn response takes effort. You have to consciously and cognitively learn the art of war.
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”
Try to gauge the people you are dealing with, learn to say ‘No’ and protect your boundaries.
Stop giving people second and third chances. At the first sign of toxic dissonance, cut them out. Tolerance of bullshit does not make you a noble person. It gives people permission to behave obnoxiously.
Changing Our Survival Response
Arbitrary forgiveness is not healing. Analyze your responses to people. Are you using forgiveness as a survival strategy? Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, states that healing also requires we address and change the defensive habits that helped us survive.
What matters is how you feel, Being honest and truthful to yourself will set you free. Practise assertiveness in small doses. Don’t blindly accept out of fear or laziness. Healing entails getting unstuck from the PNS-mediated passive coping mechanisms into a more healthy proactive SNS response of fight.
Becoming assertive is the best healing medicine for the mind. Start one step at a time, a ‘No‘ or ‘get out of my way‘ or ‘hey asshole, just behave.’
Forgiveness is a choice and only you can decide whether to ‘forgive and re-connect’, forgive and let them go’, or just tell them to ‘fuck off’.
Premature resolution and pretending to forgive actually derails real healing.
Featured photo credit: Pixabay
The Art Of War – Sun Tzu
Free from Lies: Discovering Your True Needs – Alice Miller