--- title: Healthy Relationships Should Have Equal Serve & Return date: 2018-03-07T18:24:50Z modified: 2023-04-23T15:23:31Z permalink: "https://mindkindmom.com/healthy-relationships-should-have-equal-serve-return/" type: post status: publish excerpt: "" wpid: 1412 categories: - Child Care & Parenting - Mind, Body & Spirit tags: - Child Care & Parenting - Mind, Body & Spirit - Abuse - Child - Psychology - Relationships featured_image: "https://i.imgur.com/jmCBeWX.jpg" featured_image_alt: Healthy Relationships Should Have Equal Serve & Return timestamp: 2023-04-23T15:23:31Z --- The core of our self-development is how our parents and caregivers responded to our needs and emotions. [Havard University’s Center on The Developing Child](https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/) calls this ping-pong of human interaction **the serve and return** of child development. It is crucial for a child’s development and growth. ![girl_helping_serve_return](https://i.imgur.com/jmCBeWX.jpg) **Reciprocity, cooperation, and respect are key to healthy relationships** The **serve and return** synergy of parent and child molds the brain’s[ architecture](https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/brain-architecture/). Hence, when an adult responds positively with eye contact, words, or a hug to a baby’s babbling, gestures, or cries, neural connections are built and strengthened in the child’s brain. This helps in the development of communication and social skills. However, when this positive interaction is absent or negative, the developing brain fails to develop optimally. Further, the body’s [stress response](https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/toxic-stress/) is activated, flooding the developing brain with potentially harmful stress hormones ### Impact of Negative Environments Many of us grow up in homes where there is a diminished or non-existent **serve and return**. [ACEs score over 4](https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/), where one parent is not available or if our parents were neglectful, our need for affirmation and connection would not have been met. We invariably grow up feeling an emptiness inside us. And we end up finding negative ways to fill this void for love and connection. We become [addicts](https://mindkindmom.com/2018/03/03/addiction-soothing-the-pain-in-our-heart/) or end up in relationships where we become [co-dependants](http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/codependency) to abusive partners. We don’t have healthy maps of what should be a normal relationship. Thus, we become [Yes persons](https://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2016/02/17/this-is-what-happens-inside-the-brain-of-a-yes-man/#4e0057b71e12), the doormat, or the people pleaser, never really honoring our needs and feelings. ### Serve and Return Relationships Tragically, those of us who come from abused backgrounds, no longer look upon our needs as valid. Because we were neglected, abused, and invalidated we grow up having this destructive blueprint in our emotional circuitry. Subsequently, we continue living the belief that we have to only give and should not expect any return. Only then we will be liked and accepted. Invariably, we end up being used and further abused. The key to getting healthy is becoming aware of the interactive dynamics of our relationships. **Every one of our relationships should be a serve-and-return relationship.** Moreover, we need to ask ourselves _**“**Are we giving more than we are getting?_‘ ### Your Feelings Matter Since you were made to feel like garbage, your needs and feelings were dismissed you develop shame and guilt about your feelings. That may be because the abusive adults in your life were right. How does one get over the shame and guilt of asking for your fair share of emotional returns? There is no easy way. Nonetheless, you need to learn, that your feelings are valuable pointers to your happiness. Thus, if someone only takes from you, it is wrong. And it is up to you to stop this pattern or end that relationship. There is no [turning the other cheek you need to turn on your heel](https://mindkindmom.com/2017/07/14/forgiving-turning-the-other-cheek-is-bad-for-your-physical-mental-health/) and get out of that trap ### I Am Important You need to acknowledge that emotional needs are normal and validate them. If someone is not honoring, respecting, and helping you equally then that person is not your well-wisher. The key is to realize that **‘I am important’** Hence if someone thinks that you are there for his benefit and service, you need to stand up and state your needs. The recent phenomenon Jordan Peterson has these gems on Youtube [Speak your truth or pay the price](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj39VL60Hgo), [Dangers of being too agreeable,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8) [Don’t be the nice guy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fesSvXKxYd0) #### Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University – Serve & Return Interaction Shapes Brain Circuitry ### Healthy Relationships Are Reciprocal You owe it to yourself to have fulfilling life experiences. Honoring your feelings and expecting everybody in your life to do so too. It is up to you to stop being used and abused. Anyone who wants something from you had better offer something back in return. Our happiness depends on mutual sharing and caring – equal serve and return. ##### Image Source: [Pixabay](https://pixabay.com/en/girl-mud-run-slope-help-challenge-1186895/) ## Further Reading: [General Theory of Love](https://www.amazon.in/gp/product/0375709223/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=3638&creative=24630&creativeASIN=0375709223&linkCode=as2&tag=mindkindmom-21&linkId=1b234785ff3aadcc09e7bf52bcefc5d3) – Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini & Richard Lannon [Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find? and Keep? Love](https://amzn.to/3yTGKfa) – Amir Levine [Becoming Attached](https://amzn.to/3nPDlrt) – Robert Karen [Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience](https://amzn.to/3nTj3gI) – Brené Brown [Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair](https://amzn.to/3yLYl8Y) – Daniel P. Brown