Incest – How Women Enable Sexual Abuse Many times it is women who enable child sexual abuse by vehement accusations or complicit silence

Not even a month after my mother died, a cousin Creep 10 years older than me caught me unawares and tried to drag me to the bedroom while I was alone in my home, on the first floor. I screamed, my paternal grandmother who lived on the ground floor heard my cries and shouted what had happened.

At that the coward Creep went rushing down the stairs, pretending and tried convincing my grandmother that I was just screaming for nothing. I decided to go downstairs and tell her the truth.  As she heard me coming down the stairs I heard her muttering under her breath, “just like her mother.”

Judged & Condemned

I was 11 and I vaguely understood the implications which were not true at all.  My mother had been suffering from cancer for 8 years prior to her death and I seriously doubt that she had the time for anything other than staying alive.

Looking back it was my grandmother who gave the message to cousin Creep that  I was a sordid creature and it was okay to molest me.  For he went on to molest me many more times while I slept and when I woke up feeling a hand in my panties, I’d scream but by the time I was fully awake he’d have vanished.  Most of these memories got suppressed due to another sexual violation.

Developing Sexuality

Before my mother died, she had left one of her sisters’ Vanity to handle her financial affairs, since they worked in the same organization and she did not trust my father. Vanity was the beauty of the family who finally married Woody Allen’s twin brother, wimpy bespectacled, unmanly character. She reluctantly accepted her fate with Woody Twin because she had crossed the thirties age barrier and he had a good job. But instead of being a decent wife, she’d go and on about how she was admired by various men which would anger Mr. Woody Twin.

In this scenario, I unwittingly got enmeshed when I’d go to my maternal grandmother’s home which was close to my home – to escape from my physically and emotionally abusive father.  Since he was generally good and polite to us kids I’d be around him a lot. Not knowing or aware of the quagmire I was being pulled into.

Changing Body

Here I was 12-year-old grieving for her mother, slowly blossoming into a woman, trying to latch on to any goodness and kindness to help me stay sane.  When insecure Woody Twin began looking at me with wanton lust, all I could do is pray “ Dear God, please don’t let him look at me, at my breasts, I’d cringe, try to make myself small.

 I was just 12 and though I instinctively felt uneasy, I was unable to understand (being raised Catholic, the sin of sex was ingrained, so felt maybe I was imagining things) or know how to protect myself. As it was I was dealing with enough monsters to accept the truth of the situation.

In this dynamic, Mrs. Vanity noticed the way husband Woody Twin interacted and paid attention to me. Talking to me looking deeply into my eyes. Even though I cannot remember being physically violated, I still cringe when I feel a man’s eyes on me. Now I can understand the reason why Jesus said: “but I say to you that anyone who looks at a woman/wife in order to covet her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  

Incest – False Accusation

One day out of the blue, Mrs. Vanity ganged up with her mother (my maternal grandmother) and accused me of trying to seduce her husband. I distinctly remember my grandmother sitting with a grim face, angry with me. I was 12 years.  The first thought that struck me was how do they know about cousin Creep. That was the first time I felt such acute shame and dirtiness about myself.  The whore who was responsible for the inappropriate lust of the adults. Till then I was able to salvage my self-esteem and manage to survive.

The shock of the accusation of such a major crime which I did not even understand made me faint and fall to the ground unconscious. The next thing I remember both of them picking me up. I heard my grandmother telling Mrs. Vanity not to say anything to me or my father to come for them.

Later, when Woody Twin got up he noticed something amiss and asked me what was wrong. I recollect now that 2 hours earlier I was happy and joyful and then suddenly I was dazed and feeling so fearful.  That was the final straw that broke me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Lost Memories

Two weeks later when I was for the first time in my life in the throes of a deep black depression, Mr. Woody Twin came to me and asked what is wrong and suggested ‘let’s go for a ride.’ My grandmother pushed me to go for a ride with him telling me I would feel better.  I blanked out from that moment on I began doubting whether what happened 2 weeks ago was just a figment of my imagination.

After that, I would initiate a walk or ride with my other cousins and Mr. Woody Twin. Subconsciously trying to reassure me that nothing happened. Unfortunately, it distorted my sense of self and my sexual identity. I could not become a proper woman but a distorted, misshapen 13-year-old woman. I did not remember these incidents until I had a breakdown when I was 29 years soon after I left my house forever.

Women Enabling Sexual Abusers

When I look back at the emotional pain and suffering I went through due to the sexual abuse, I still cannot fathom how the matriarchs of the family failed to understand and protect me from the men who were abusing me. Knowing very well what they were doing was wrong. Both were supposedly very devout Catholics.

In the case of my paternal grandmother, she was vocal in condemning me and not correcting cousin Creep because she just hated my mother.  While in my maternal grandmother’s case she was tacit in her silence. Not wanting to upset her apple cart because this daughter was always bringing her gifts and goodies. I was a nuisance that could be forsaken. The trauma of accusing me an innocent girl of such a major crime destroyed all chances of having a normal relationship and life.

Slowly Healing

In the chakra system, the sacral chakra gets damaged and closed by sexual abuse, listening to the sacral chakra healing sound video below has helped me immensely.

Ref: The Hidden Role of Maternal Figures in Incestuous Child Sexual Abuse Scenarios

Image Source: Pixabay

Further Reading

Healing My Life from Incest to Joy  – Donna Jenson