I miss my mother even today, 40 years after she passed away. The pain has nearly faded but there will always be that loss – of not knowing. What it would have been to have grown up with my mother around.
Loss & Loneliness
I know it was terrible growing up without my mother. It was not just the searing grief of losing a parent as a child. There was the confusion of being responsible for myself and no one to guide me. It so damn lonely not having someone to talk to or make my favorite dish or simply have someone to take care of things. It was so damn tiring to be in control and be strong.
Suddenly, at 11, I was supposed to become the woman of my house and be the adult. Looking back it seems strange, no cruel is the appropriate word. The adults in my life did not think it appropriate to be kind to a child who had lost her mother. It was shocking to see a different side of people. That family was only in name. It was one abuse after another, I would have gone mad if it was not for scoliosis. It effectively armored my mind and body from feeling the deep, unbearable pain.
My Mother – A Ghost
As a child, I was afraid of ghosts. I had seen movies and heard stories of ghosts doing frightening things. So, when my mother died, I was afraid to be alone. I felt her ghost would come and was afraid of having to deal with a ghost, even if she was my mother. The thought of it then made me shiver with fright.
At that time I was more concerned about dealing with my mother’s ghost than of dealing with her loss. My brother knowing my fear made fun of me. But he was the only one around when my father went on night duty, I’d cling to him which he hated particularly when this pedophile cousin would come with his porn goodies and entice my brother.
One particular day when this cousin came over, after spending the evening with my brother he asked my brother to accompany him to the bus stop. Since I was afraid to be alone, I insisted I too wanted to come along. My brother reacted by angrily banging my head to the wall with such violence, I was stunned.
I broke down and went crying to my maternal grandmother wailing ‘I want to die, I want t go to my mother.’ My grandmother and my mother’s sister consoled me but it was at that deeply distressing moment I realized how utterly alone I was – my mother was actually dead.
A Voice In My Head
As I grew up I became more afraid of the real-life demons, (starting with my father) than unseen spirits.
I felt so lost. Not knowing what to do. When my back twisted and there seemed no hope I decided to kill myself.
Then I felt a voice which was not mine, imploring me to not give up so easily. It seemed hopeless. I had two choices – die now or die fighting. It was that voice, that sensible angelic voice that steadied me. It was familiar, at first, I could not place it. I had forgotten but not really forgotten. Like a bolt it struck me – it was Mummy.
My Mother – Like An Angel
While growing up my mother, used to tell to pray to my guardian angels. I remember innocently asking her ‘how do I know if they are there?’ and she’d say, ‘If you ask them they will guide you.’ Petulantly, I’d say but ‘ why can’t I see them?‘ and she’d say ‘Because they are spirits, they don’t have a body.‘ Spirits meaning ghosts – gosh, I did not want to do anything with angels too.
But, with my mother gone, there was no one who actually cared about me, I was left to asking for help from the other world. And I have gotten advice and suggestions. I have been guided to take action – I wouldn’t have if left to my own wisdom. And there have been many times.
Three years ago, before I took a break to heal, I was at a breaking point. I was 49, in a job where I was attacked by a colleague, plus work pressures for which I was ill-equipped to deal with. I knew I had reached a breaking point. But just did not know what to do.
When my superior threatened me that he was transferring me to another place which would not have been right for my son and me, I heard that angel voice telling me to tell the guy, I was quitting.
At first, I was afraid to take that bold step, but the voice was persistent. Finally, I could not ignore it and blurted out that I was leaving, my boss was shocked.
Today, I am glad I took that brave decision. Mentally, I am in a much better place and feel hopeful about the future. I know my mother, my angel is there looking out for me.
Do angels exist? Are angels real? Well, each to their own belief. But for me, it has been therapeutic to know that my mother is there watching and guiding me.
Love Never Dies
From my experience, I am convinced that love lives on. Love never dies. Afterlife is real. Knowing that my mother is watching feels comforting and soothing.
Oh, I do feel alone, after all a spirit cannot actually do things for you, they can only guide you. I do miss my mother and will always do. But the pain that felt so unbearable once has been released from my heart. Her memory no longer hurts, I remember her love, her humor and her joie de vivre.
I only wish I was able to heal myself years earlier when my son was young. I would have really enjoyed being a mother. That’s a loss I will always grieve. Knowing that I would have been a better mom if it were not for my trauma.
Life After Life – Raymond Moody
Paranormal: My Life in Pursuit of the Afterlife – Raymond Moody
Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife – Eben Alexander
Journey of Souls Case Studies of Life Between Lives – Michael Newton