The most significant change one feels when one is on the road to recovery is the feeling of being in present. The ability to live in the present without being overwhelmed by the thoughts and feelings of the past is one of the definitive signs of healing from Complex PTSD. Beginning with short periods of time when the past memories are not intruding. Gradually, the duration between the past thoughts and present focus increases. Until a whole day passes by when you have not had the painful past overwhelm you. Everyday feels like a new adventure. Ekhart Tolle, author of the book The Power of Now states that You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now. You feel such relief, much gratitude and a deep sense of peace. The feeling that today is fully mine.
It has been a painful struggle letting go of the pain of the past. All the Whys? Hows,?that unceasingly went on in the mind. My days were filled with unexpressed hatred. You realize that you are no longer looking for explanations and answers. They will not be forthcoming. When one human being hurts, abuses and uses another human it means that they have become evil. They have lost their godliness. It is a waste to spend time even thinking about them. Even though they are family you have to cut the chords which bind you to them emotionally. You have to let go.
If you don’t have supportive help to overcome painful attachment, listening to guided meditations really helps. Sound therapy gradually but permanently rewires the neural connections in our brain changing our thoughts and healing our brain. From being fearful of being alone you begin to feel a deep sense of connection to something higher. You are filled with a feeling of peaceful focus.
A lot of nonsense has been written about forgiveness. Now looking back, it was really the cause of my mental suffering. Being raised a Christian it was such a horrible brainwashing to not fight back against the wrongs that were being done to me. Though better late than never I realized that turning the other cheek was a not the way to deal with evil.
Noted Psychologist Alice Miller dismisses the erroneous assumption regarding forgiveness. She asks the obvious – How can you forgive someone that hasn’t asked forgiveness? Why should you? Why should you forgive someone that doesn’t truly understand and regret what he/she has done? She elucidates that we should feel our emotions instead of repressing them if we are to truly heal our wounds.
If we force ourselves to repress our rage, our bodies will express it through illness. In her book The Body Never Lies – The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting she proves the impact of childhood abuse on the adult body. Miller shows how a child’s emotional traumas, repressed humiliation, and bottled rage can manifest themselves as serious adult health problems. In my own case, I developed severe scoliosis due to the abuse.
Nichole Nordeman – Sound Of Surviving
This is the sound of surviving
This is my farewell to fear
This is my whole heart deciding
I’m still here, I’m still here
And I’m not done fighting
This is the sound of surviving
It is up to each one of us to have to courage to acknowledge our past and heal the hurts. Only then we can move forward. Yes, we survivors carry the cure in our own heart. We have to stop feeling the helpless victim. With courage and hope, we can be heroes in our life story. Like the hero in Joseph Cambell’s book after journeying through the morass of evil we can finally come home – the true center of our being. We are ready to begin anew. Our past no longer defines us.