Almost all, childhood trauma survivors have a poor/ unhealthy self-concept. We believe we aren’t good enough or worthy of receiving the good things in life.
My interest in self-concept was ignited when I chanced upon the idea in the numerous Law of Attraction videos, particularly the ones by Neville Goddard. According to him, if one changes one’s conception of oneself, the world one lives in will change. All changes must first come from within.
What Is Self-Concept?
Self-concept is a belief about the person you are. It influences our thinking, feelings, and expectations. Self-concept is not a single thing; it’s composed of many different self-perceptions, such as self-awareness, self-image, self-worth, self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-confidence.
This sense develops from early childhood and undergoes constant evaluation and adjustment.
Self-concept develops, in part, through our interaction with others, particularly people whom we look up to – our parents, family, peers, teachers, etc.
Unfortunately, this internal self-perception gets warped if one grows up in a narcissistic, abusive, neglectful, bullying environment.
How we view ourselves, our role in the world, and what we have a right to expect gets distorted. We feel ‘not good enough’ and ‘not worthy’ of the good things in life.’
Development Of Self-Concept
Self-concept is influenced by different aspects of our environment – social, religious, spiritual, physical, and emotional. However, social interactions, namely with significant people in our lives play a critical role in our self-concept.
According to the social identity theory, self-concept is composed of two key parts: personal identity and social identity.
Our personal identity includes temperament, personality traits, and other characteristics that make us unique. Social identity includes the groups we belong to including our neighborhood, community, race, religion, college, and other groups.
Carl Rogers On Self-concept
According to humanistic psychologist, Carl Rogers, self-concept has three components: self-image, self-esteem, and the ideal self.
They include the view we have of ourselves (self-image), how much value we place on ourselves often defined as (self-esteem/worth), and what we wish we were like (ideal-self).
When a person’s self-image matches their ideal self, they’re said to be in a state of congruence.
How One’s Self-Concept Gets Distorted
Like most survivors of childhood trauma, my self-concept was pretty messed up. Furthermore, having scoliosis just drove my self-concept into a deep pit of self-disgust. Having a curved spine made me feel like a freak, a hunchback. My self-concept was shame-filled.
According to the Law of Attraction (LOA) experts, shame is the lowest emotion in the vibrational vortex. There is no way you can attract your dream life with a shame-based identity.
Post my mother’s death at age 11, the crucial developmental stage of my identity formation, the significant people in my life, my father, and my extended family treated me like I was garbage, an unwanted nuisance. My joyous countenance and confidence got mucked up with the belief that I was substandard. Why else would my family treat me like crap was my conclusion.
My chief role was being the unpaid servant to all the narcissistic characters that made up my family. In addition, the shameful secret of being the whore, responsible for seducing innocent pedophiles in the family firmly cemented the self-image that I was a piece of trash.
I now realize that this mindset was instrumental in attracting toxic relationships in my life
Distorted Self-Concept Leads To
Not wanted, not loved, not worthy, betrayed by everyone, abandoned sooner or later, etc, influenced how I behaved and what I expected.
I became an ass-licking people-pleaser, who had to be of service but expect nothing. The little scraps of performative kindness kept me trauma-bonded to my role of an over-accommodating, codependent doormat.
After years of being emotionally thrown in the gutter of denigration, I subconsciously believed I was not worthy of better treatment, success, or money. How can I expect to be rich and successful when I was swimming in the cesspool of shame and unworthiness?
Having scoliosis further entrenched the belief that I was flawed and so not deserving of anything.
Body Image Scoliosis
Looking back, I cannot even imagine how I lived through feelings of utter despair. I felt so abandoned and betrayed by God. Like it wasn’t enough to be abused and neglected now I had to contend with scoliosis. When my father realized that scoliosis was not going anywhere soon, he got even more rageful, insinuating I was responsible for my condition.
Our bodies in many ways define our personality, particularly in our teen years, more so for girls. The misalignment of my spine which deformed my body affected my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-concept. I was deformed, and ugly, the shame of my curved spine engulfed my entire identity. Every waking moment of my life, hiding my deformity became my life obsession.
The utter despair I felt, all alone, dealing with something, no one seemed to know much about.
Serendipitiously, I happened upon Somerset Maugham’s novel, Of Human Bondage. Reading about the despair of the key character, Philip Carrey, who was born with a clubfoot – his struggles and depression comforted me. Philip’s embarrassment, shame, and resentment of his clubfoot, how it affected his personality, and his dealings with others resonated with my distress. It brought me some solace, there was someone else who felt the same emotions I felt because of his deformity.
Those were the pre-internet days when books were the only source of assuaging the feeling of being all alone with a problem.
The Issues With Having a Flawed Self-Concept
A flawed self-concept detrimentally affects our behavior and actions. How we behave with others influences how they perceive us. This in turn drives their reactions or behavior toward us. It is a cyclical loop that only changes when some dynamic changes.
The biggest mistake survivors of trauma make is going into appeasement and pleasing mode to abusive people. This doesn’t win us any brownie points. The more you ingratiate yourself and over-please the more people perceive you as less than them, so treat you how they see you. You get what you believe you are worth.
The more toxic people we hang around with and tolerate their damaging behaviors the more our self-concept goes to dogs.
Relationships The Looking-Glass Self
American sociologist Charles Horton Cooley coined the term “looking glass.” A person develops a concept of self by observing how he/she is perceived by others.
I’m not what I think I am. I’m not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.
Our perception of others’ opinions about us influences our self-image and how we interact with the world.
Cooley’s close collaborator, George Herbert Mead, theorized that only certain people could influence our perception of self and only during certain periods of life. And the way people influence us changes during our lifespan.
Significant Others and Self-Concept
Our self-concept can alter depending on the person we are interacting with. In fact, in every relationship, our self-concept can vary, depending on how significant that person is, their status, do they affect our well-being, etc.
The more we are attached to someone, the more their opinions, influence our self-appraisal. That’s why sometimes, it’s necessary to cut off anyone who denigrates us, belittles us, and doesn’t respect us -family, siblings, friends, and spouses.
There’s no way, one can have a good self-concept when the mirror reflects disgust, hatred, and unacceptance.
Self-concept Can Be Altered
Neither our past nor our relationships need to define us, particularly not the assholes who got off by tearing us down.
Our brain is neuroplastic, it can change. We can alter our self-concept and shape a new persona. However, self-directed neuroplastic change involves regular, intentional practice. Daily work of changing thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and competencies is necessary.
Here are 7 crucial things you need to work on to change your Self-Concept
1) Developing Self-Awareness
You have to become more self-aware, to see yourself clearly and honestly. Objective self-reflection and introspection can help you discern what is not working for you.
Try taking the Twenty Statements Test (TST). It can give insights into yourself and how you see yourself. The first step is becoming aware of the discrepancies between your actual and ideal selves.
To change you have to know what needs to change.
2) Changing Our Looking Glass
Throw away the toxic mirrors (family, friends, teachers, spouses, siblings) through whose reflection you view yourself. As long as they play a significant role in your life you will continue to believe and live according to their judgments and viewpoints about you.
Find better, enlightened people who are kind, supportive, and non-judgmental. You have to experience positive mirroring and see goodness reflected through them.
3) Changing Your Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are the foundational, often unconscious, thoughts that shape a person’s worldview like I’m not good enough, I’m a burden, I’m unlovable.
Your negative beliefs of our worth and what we deserve will forever keep you down. When you believe you’re garbage you attract garbage partners and situations.
Stop believing the lies of your narcissistic or personality-disordered parents. Work at replacing the negative core beliefs about who you are and how you should be treated.
4) Changing Your Inner Dialogue
How your parents/teachers spoke to you became your internal dialogue. Try to identify and challenge the root cause of your negative thoughts. Who said negative things, that altered how you think about yourself, your abilities, or your supposed flaws?
Getting to the origin of these unhelpful critical voices can help you change your perception. In my case, my angry father would scream at every mistake I made. His constantly projected displeasure – the record of I am stupid kept playing in my head.
I had to do intense reprogramming to change my inner dialogue. I was a child, I was learning, I’m capable, I’m smart. There was something wrong with him. I needn’t heed his vicious talk.
Listen to guided meditations and positive affirmations before bed or before waking up. During this time, the brainwaves are in theta – a good time to reprogram your mind.
Psalms That Protect, Uplift and Calm
Gradually, your subconscious mind will be overwritten with positive inner voices. Enough repetitions and those affirmations will become your natural thoughts – I’m capable, I’m good, I can get things done. That’s the magic of neuroplasticity – neurons that fire together wire together.
5) Not Suppressing Your Emotions But Expressing and Processing
Very few of us grew up in homes where free emotional expression was allowed, particularly distressing ones like anger, sadness, fear, and jealousy.
However, unexpressed emotions don’t just go away, they remain inside you and manifest in ugly ways. I’m certain my scoliosis was the outcome of having to suppress all my pain, fear, anger, sadness, etc.
Emotions are your guideposts, they protect and help you navigate people and situations. Suppressing your emotions shuts off a huge part of who you are. Becoming emotionally numb stunts your personality.
I know I remained stuck as a hurt 13-year-old, the time of my most intense traumas because I had to keep my emotions locked in.
When you’re conditioned to not feel your needs, feelings, and desires how can you truly know who you are? Healing from your past entails thawing and opening yourself to feeling your emotions, good, bad, or ugly. Learning to be okay with them, processing them, and letting them go.
For me, the three things that have helped are writing, EFT tapping, sharing with close people, and on social media. Many resources are available on how to process stuck emotions – explore what works for you.
Remember, every time you invalidate your feelings as weak, foolish, irrational, or just plain wrong, you are judging yourself as somehow defective or unworthy.
6) Letting Go Of Roles That Bind You
Dysfunctional family roles like scapegoat, caretaker, clown, hero, and rebel significantly shape your self-concept. Often, we unconsciously fall into to protect ourselves or keep the peace.
These roles influence how you interact not only with your family members but also with friends, colleagues, and partners. This in turn influences how they behave towards you. The loop keeps going until you change the dynamics – change the role you play.
For me, it has been getting out of my caretaking role. I have to be useful, help, and be of service. Getting over the need for approval is key to being free of the programmed roles.
As an adult, I no longer need to kowtow to survive. Even if I’m rejected, disliked, or shamed, I will be okay. I don’t have to be what someone else wants me to be because they expect me to be it so they can be okay.
Becoming self-differentiated is the only way to develop a healthy identity and an authentic self.
7) Developing Mastery and Self-Efficacy
Find something that interests you and pursue getting better at it. It may be something ordinary as growing a vegetable garden or learning how to knit. Whatever interests you, work at getting better, garner as much knowledge about it, and become the expert.
Developing mastery and a sense of self-efficacy can shift how you view yourself. You aren’t the stupid, idiot your family of origin thought you to be.
For me, learning about the mind, body, and scoliosis writing about it, and now having a YouTube channel has greatly boosted my sense of accomplishment. Mastering a skill/ability/knowledge and becoming good at it changes how we see ourselves. It also changes how others view us.
Start small, pick one thing that interests you, learn, practice, keep at it, and one day after 10,000 hours of practicing, you will become the expert.
Change Is An Internal Job
There is no magic button to reset the past negative programs about yourself to positive ones. You have to do the work of daily chucking out things that don’t serve you and instilling values, beliefs, and skills that are positive.
Self-concept isn’t a single thing but comprises many different aspects. Often, by upgrading one aspect, there can be cascading effects on other attributes.
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. –
One thing about getting older is I worry less and less about how other people see me or think about me and that’s impacted how I see myself.
As for the law of attraction, I live with unwavering faith that miracles happen.
Image Source: Pixabay
Further Reading:
The Alter Ego Effect – Todd Herman
Atomic Habits – James Clear
