Attachment to the key figures in your life can significantly affect whether you develop scoliosis. Losing someone significant, having inconsistent care and support affects our nervous system – how we feel, how we cope with stress, and regulate our emotions.
After my mother died when I was 11 years old, I felt so alone, unsupported, unloved, and unwanted. This sent my nervous system into high stress mode. However, I had no one who understood or validated my experience. Instead, I was supposed to buckle up and be my mother’s replacement – take on her duties and responsibilities.
Fear of Becoming a Woman
Furthermore, becoming a woman was not safe in my home; there were family predators. In addition, dealing with my maternal grandmother and narcissistic aunt’s hatred of seeing my blossoming femininity. To protect myself, I had to fold, twist, and hide my growing body, but at the same time, I wanted to be like my peers, to become womanly. Two conflicting messages were being relayed to my nervous system. Stop growing, hide while another message was – grow up.
Jon Burras’ article on scoliosis and why girls develop scoliosis more than boys. The cultural and environmental threats make becoming a woman so frightening that many girls try to shut down normal development. It was a lightbulb moment.
However, our need for survival overrides all other drives – I needed my grandmother’s approval and acceptance now that my mother was dead.
Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde Caregivers
Having unstable, inconsistent caregivers who are Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, sometimes good, sometimes bad, is traumatizing to a child. Inconsistent care can lead to a nervous system stuck in a threat response. Our ability to regulate our own nervous system is dependent on the responsive co-regulation provided by a caregiver. Inconsistent or intermittent reinforcement creates a trauma bond with the caregiver. It makes it hard for a child to develop a stable self and identity. And keeps one perpetually stuck in the hope that one day, when they give us what we need, we can finally become whole, an adult.
My teen years were spent in survival mode. My nervous system never got a chance to calm down and repair. There was no one with whom I ever felt safe enough to relax and come back to homeostasis. All my relationships felt unsafe; I had to play pretend, behaving in a way contrary to what I felt, so as not to be rejected, laughed at, or worse, beaten up.
My survival depended on making myself small, hiding my body, complying, not confronting, smiling, and faking it. But inside, I was tormented with rage, anger, shame, and despondency of having to live a fake existence. Expressing anything meant anger, ridicule, rejection, and violence.
Resolving Ambivalence To Our Attachment Figures
Resolving my ambivalence towards my attachment figures has been crucial in releasing the constant push-pull of my psyche and thus releasing the knotted fascia. Our fascia moves in tandem with our emotional state. How we think and feel, our fascia molds itself accordingly.
Now looking back, I realize how much inner maneuvering I had to make my body adapt to. Being treated like crap, but don’t show, pretend. It has taken a lot of self-analysis to realize how being conflicted about my mistreatment was keeping my body in knots and pieces. When I didn’t feel congruent mentally, how could my body be congruent and symmetrical?
The problem with a dysfunctional family is the inconsistency and ambiguity. You never know where you stand. There are good moments interspersed with some really bad and traumatizing experiences. This cycle of intermittent reinforcement keeps us trauma-bonded to them. We continue with trying to win them by being more caring, kinder, compliant, less attractive, less smart, anything to keep them from being angry and hating us.
We will remain stuck if we keep hanging on in hopeful expectation, waiting for a final turnaround. However, unless we see reality for what it is – a life of crumbs, confusion, and disappointment. There’s never going to be stability, consistency, and dependability ever. They will never change. This is who they will always be – unreliable and mentally destabilizing.
To heal, we have to break these trauma bonds and overcome our attachment injuries. We have to stop being around them, depending on them, or expecting them to behave reliably. Unless we resolve this confusion in our minds, we will forever be pushed and pulled in the love-hate cycle of hope and disappointment.
Inconsistency is More Damaging to Our Health
Psychologists Bert Uchino and Julianne Holt-Lunstad show that ambivalent relationships can be more damaging to our health than purely negative relationships.
Ambivalent relationships constantly make us question our reality, doubt our inner knowing, and ignore what we are feeling. It short-circuits the parasympathetic nervous system and activates a fight-or-flight response.
I spent my teenage years and 20s living in a state of hyper-alertness, always conscious of every word and action I would utter. I was like a tightly wound top, fearful of the repercussions of making a wrong move or saying the wrong thing. Ugh, looking back, it was a horrible way to live.
Let me tell you, no matter what physical treatments you undergo for scoliosis, unless you resolve this inner push-pull of toxic attachments, your scoliosis is never going to resolve itself.
As much as we fear losing a close relationship, as much as we feel attached to them, we have to slowly cut the cords that bind us to them. If not, we will remain stuck in a limbo of never healing.
Just Cutting Off Isn’t Enough
However, just cutting off ties or breaking contact doesn’t work. You have to get them out of your mental headspace, change your belief system – your need for their love, acceptance, and validation. It’s an arduous process of detaching, grieving, self-differentiation, individuation, and learning to be okay without them in your life. Believe me, it’s liberation not to have their judgment and rejection controlling you.
Realizing and accepting this harsh truth that you are not going to get what you need from them, no matter how much you twist, comply, or make yourself small, is crucial for resolving the unending split-thinking-feeling within. Only when we resolve this internal battle can we begin our journey of truly healing scoliosis.
I first broke away from my crazy family in my late 20s by jumping into a relationship, which turned out to be just like my family of origin: emotional abuse followed by breadcrumbs.
Safe Other Relationships
Breaking away from family is not easy; our brain needs another brain to feel some sense of safety and security. We trauma survivors need a whole lot of support to heal; unfortunately, many don’t get it. Finding secure, reliable others is like finding a needle in a haystack.
A good therapist, a support group, or a reliable adult can help us feel grounded in our reality. We need an enlightened witness who validates our painful emotions of anger, rage, shame, guilt, fear, loss, and neglect without judgment. Their attuned presence allows you to make sense and process our feelings without having to hide or distort the truth.
Scapegoater’s Fear-Shame-Guilt-Obligation
I wish I could have afforded a trained therapist or at least have online resources like we do now. In the 80s-90s, when I was struggling, there was absolutely nothing. It felt so lonely, which further aggravated my turmoil and confusion. Add to that my Christian indoctrination of honoring, respecting, obeying, and loving your parents and elders. I wonder why there is no caveat that this doesn’t apply to toxic, abusive, neglectful parents.
Only now, listening to various videos about toxic family and scapegoating, has reduced my confusion, guilt, and shame about having negative feelings towards my saintly martyr grandmother. She was a covert, vulnerable narcissist who only cared about boosting her image, not caring about how her behavior and actions harmed me. Covert abuse is hard to unravel and reconcile.
Seeing People For Who They Are
Most importantly, is seeing our caregivers for who they are – beyond that snapshot of all-knowing, powerful, god-like beings, the idealized childhood version of father, mother, aunt, uncle, grandfather, grandmother. Rather, seeing them as the psychopath, narcissist, borderline, or maybe plain stupid assholes. This demystifying process is a huge block that all of us have to overcome if we want to be free of their influence. It’s not easy because as long as you feel you are lacking, whether financially or socially, you internally feel their judgment. That feeling of being inferior and them being superior is hard to erase.
Listening to guided meditations about worthiness and confidence does help.
The bigger your family, the more relational ties there are to unwind and break free from. Sometimes it’s a blessing to have a small family.
Fortunately, since the last 4 years, after my son took on the financial responsibility of maintaining the home, my nervous system has been able to relax and feel safe. There is a huge difference between not being in danger and actually feeling safe. I felt something huge, huge shifting psychologically.
I know I’m blessed to have my son’s support and care. This has played a huge role in feeling safe enough to stop pretending and be myself, in tune with my needs and feelings.
Explore Therapies That Work For You
There are many therapy modalities to break free from toxic family bonds. Inner Child work, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Self-differentiation work, Bowen Family Systems, and Ideal Parent Protocol are some of the approaches that could help you deal with your attachment issues.
If you’re into esoteric stuff, you could try the shamanic ritual of cord cutting.
Breaking free of toxic bonds doesn’t just mean we stop caring for them, but we also stop hating them. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Working towards being indifferent to their existence is the real freedom from toxic ties.
For me, the process was from desperately wanting their love, to hating them, then being disgusted with them, and finally, now I’m getting to a state of not wanting to think about them.
Tree Magic- The Healing Power of Nature
Two years ago, I serendipitously experienced something very transformative. By chance, I stumbled upon a mini forest hidden between a development of houses. It was a small patch, untouched by human civilization, and it was magical. I felt I had entered a different world.
There were 2 huge old trees and a massive bamboo grove. All was silent, except for the sound of birds and insects. Simply standing near those huge trees shifted my psyche; I felt comforted, safe, protected, and strong.
If you have read the story of “The Handless Maiden,” also known as The Girl without Hands, you will see that a girl betrayed by her father struggles to find happiness. The Handless Maiden has many versions of the story; however, the one where she meets a wise old man who tells her to wrap her arms( stumps) around a tree, and by trusting and believing the wise old man, her arms grow back. The tree of life indeed.
The energy from the old trees infused my soul – it felt like the arms of a protective, supportive father enveloping me. Something that I desperately longed for but didn’t receive in my growing years. My father was an abusive, neglectful jerk. And the maternal uncle whom I thought would step up was an utter turncoat who, instead of supporting me, constantly made fun of me. In that moment, I felt the negative presence of this mean uncle leave me. I went there quite a few times, and every time the energy was real, and it felt so soothing and grounding.
Scoliosis, Attachment, and Trauma Bonds
Finding Your Own Healing Path
Now, when I want to feel strong and supported, I close my eyes and visualize the protective and stable presence of those old trees. That day marked a huge shift in my psyche. Though it sounds woo-woo, ancient shamans believe there are tree spirits that can heal and guide us. Being around trees in general, and making contact with them, grounds us. It calms our swirling thoughts and allows us to tune in with our inner wisdom.
People report experiencing grounding, emotional release, and a sense of connection when interacting with trees, often through hugging or simply being near them. Miracles happen when we are open to all possibilities.
Nature has so many healing benefits that were known to our ancestors but are sadly lost in modern life.
My nature walks in another mini forest have been so calming and restorative. I spoke about this in my video on breathing and scoliosis. Being enveloped by trees, birds, and other natural elements does induce a kind of focused, trance-like mindfulness.
There are so many ways to silence the conflicting voices and induce a sense of trust in your own wisdom. Explore what works for you.
Feeling More Peace and Calm
Gautama Buddha attained enlightenment under a bodhi tree. Though I’ve not yet attained enlightenment, I do feel more grounded and calmer spending time in nature. No longer pushed and pulled by inner conflicts. Neither do I crave the love, acceptance, or validation of my toxic family. This has helped unwind my knotted fascia, which has led to less pain and better alignment.
Breaking our trauma bonds and resolving our ambivalent feelings towards our toxic family or anyone who doesn’t have our best interest at heart is vital to healing scoliosis.
Image Source: Pixabay
Further Reading
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman
The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain -Sue Gerhardt
