Are you the one always giving in or accommodating the needs of your family, friends or sometimes even perfect strangers? Do you always let your friend or partner always pick the movie you will watch? Does your child ignore your requests to take the garbage out knowing that you will eventually do it? Or do you constantly give up your seat on the bus even though you may be tired?
No, you are not being nice, you are just playing out your childhood program, I don’t matter, other people come before me or else… dad may get violent or mom will coldly reject me.
Over-accommodating to everyone else’s needs has become a toxic habit which affects us on all levels – physical emotional and social.
Over-accommodating is a toxic program of an abusive childhood
Our combined need to avoid conflict along with our need for acceptance makes us constantly accommodate the needs and moods of other people.
The Dysfunctional Family Power Play
In a dysfunctional family, there are no equals. It is usually a well-demarcated power set-up. The one with the money or brute force comes right on top. He/she dictates the rules and the rest are puppets who have to adjust their needs and feelings to what is deemed right.
Unfortunately, in this power hierarchy, the parent pushes their shit on to their kids and if there are 2 or 3 kids, it is usually the youngest or the weakest who ends up being the scapegoat. The one who has to accommodate the family’s shit.
My father dumped his rage onto to my brother and my brother displaced it on me. My survival strategy was to stifle my needs and feelings and be a version of Mother Teresa.
I felt I had to fix everyone else’s problems while being a doormat. Gradually, it became a habit to put others before me. I was the classic codependent.
Accommodating Is Not Empathy
Sadly, this survival of childhood behavior becomes an automatic habit in our adult life. We become adept at predicting other people’s needs, moods and reactions. Even before we are asked we instinctively jump to be of service or make them feel at ease. We can’t bear even the thought of an unpleasant situation. Subconsciously, we dread the thought of people blowing up and blaming us.
Deep down our childhood program of being a good girl means being helpful even though the other person is quite capable of taking care of themselves. I desperately wanted to be liked that I was the ever helpful, considerate pleaser. Most of the time I would only be used and abused which made me feel resentful and drained both emotionally and physically.
We delude ourselves into thinking we are being nice people. But if we are honest we know we hate allowing someone else take precedence over us. Empathy is not always good, self-care comes first
Great Expectations – Unending Demands
The more you give, the more is expected, the demands will not stop. That is what people identify you as the ‘The Nice Person’ dependable and ever helpful – ready to adjust to their needs.
In this world, being nice and over-accommodating gives the message – here’s a ‘sucker‘. The more you give in the more you have to keep on giving. Most takers are not even aware that you are accommodating their needs out of goodness.
People start to expect it, they feel entitled. That’s where the toxic cycle of codependency begins. People identify you as the giver, the fixer, the pleaser, the doormat. And you believe unless you do something they will fall apart. The weight of the world rests on your shoulders.
That becomes the relational dynamic – help is always on the way – YOU.
However, consistently rescuing or caretaking an adult is not an act of love. It is just us replaying our own toxic childhood histories.
Changing This Toxic Childhood Habit
First, we have to realize that putting another person’s needs before mine all the time is toxic for my well-being. (Only your children’s needs come first that too when they are actually CHILDREN).
Become aware of what you really want, how you feel.
Speak Your Truth
Second, practice speaking your truth. Dr. Jordan Peterson talks about how we need to start expressing how we feel. If you don’t say, how will anyone know? Even if people are mind readers they will presume you are fine with something unless you protest loud and clear.
Initially, it may feel stressful to vocalize your needs without feeling emotionally charged but keep practicing.
You could start with your sneaky dog who is always jumping on your couch when he is not supposed to. Or your child who consistently fails to pick his things. Start small with people or situations that are your equal or down the chain
Getting Over Our Identity Level Belief
The most important step to erasing our over-accommodating habit is getting over our identity-level belief that we are not important, worthy or our needs don’t matter. That if I don’t give what my parent/partner/child/colleague/part wants he will get angry, or will not love me.
We need to change our subconscious program and stop operating from the shame, fear, and loss messages of our childhood. I have found guided meditation and listening to uplifting talks like the one below very useful in zapping out the subconscious negative wiring in my brain. Listening, again and again, overwrites the critical voices of our parents and caregivers.
Stop Auto-Accommodating – Terri Cole
According to Choice Theory®, every individual only has the power to control themselves and has limited power to control others. We are responsible for our life, our needs, and our feelings. It is just not right to always accommodate someone else’s needs or feelings before yours.
Furthermore, you can choose if you want to help. or not. Say ‘No‘ if you cannot or don’t want to do something. Stop being hyperaware of what someone else needs. Learn to focus on what your heart is telling you. Expect equal serve and return in all your relationships. One-sided relationships are unhealthy and mess up your emotional and physical health. Learn how to fight and negotiate a compromise. Just giving in to another person because you are afraid of negative outcomes is not the way out.
Everyday make it a practice to listen to your feelings, whether you want to do something or not. Be aware of your day to day reactions.
Start with little things. Don’t offer your seat, or tell your friend you want to see another movie or tell your child to better clean his room else..
Melody Beattie, author Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, sums up what happens when we stop our over-accommodating other people
“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people’s lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”
That’s the truth, want to be happy and successful make yourself the priority. The universe is watching and listening. That’s the law of attraction.
Image Source: Pixabay
Breaking Toxic Soul Ties – Tom Brown
Your Sixth Sense: Unlocking the Power of Your Intuition – Belleruth Naparstek