The 3 most important steps that helped me on my journey of healing and wholeness:
- Self-Love First – If you were not loved by your parents, family or carers, you need to learn to love yourself. It may seem selfish to be doing things what you like and want. That is okay. You need to feel loved, tfeel special and feel cherished. You need to believe that you are important and matter. You come first particularly if you have a history of abuse, neglect and rejection. You need to build up your self esteem through self-care and self-love. The Christian concept of selfless love for others is all nonsense if one is empty inside. When you were not given loving care as a child, you have nothing to give. You need to fill up the cup to have something to pour out. Don’t feel guilty of filling the hole in your heart even it takes the rest of your life.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally- This is the second agreement of Don Miguel’s The Four Agreements . Nothing someone does is because of you. What someone says and does is a projection of their own reality. If they treat you badly it is because of they are relieving themselves of their own pain and you just happen to be a convenient receptacle for their rage. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. I wish someone had told me this. What unnecessary suffering I would have spared myself if I had known this. I spent most of my life thinking that I am responsible for how people treated me. I strove to mold myself into someone who would meet the standards of others. Becoming a caricature of what I was meant to be. Always pleasing and bending backwards thinking that I am responsible and capable of changing the behavior of my abusive father and my rejecting family. I wish I had known that the conduct of someone else has nothing to do with me but rather it is a projection of their own trauma history.
3. Not turning the other cheek but turning on your heel – Growing up Christian, the concept of forgiving my enemies was a part of my mindset for most of my life, which contributed to me ending up with depression, shame, suppressed rage and a distorted sense of self. Now, after a lot of self analysis I have concluded that forgiveness is wrong when the guilty party does not acknowledge his wrongdoings and are not truly repentant. If God wanted forgiveness to be given that easily why were Adam and Eve permanently banished from the garden of Eden when they ate the apple and disobeyed God. Unless the evil perpetrator atones and compensates the victim for the hurts and crimes committed, there is no forgiveness. Pardon has to come with a price tag, we owe it to ourselves to give value to ourselves. When we keep forgiving the wrong-doer, he automatically presumes that he is right and the victim is wrong. Trying to follow this stupid idea nearly destroyed me emotionally. I no longer call myself a Christian because i don’t believe that forgiveness is needed for getting on with my life. No, the term letting go, cutting the cords and leaving behind that what hurts us is the way to healing. To move on to a better life we need to let go of the past. We don’t need forgiveness.
“I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on”
As a parent I tell my son to reject and run from evil and hurtful people. You have to protect yourself. That you definitely owe yourself. Your mental wellness is up to you, to take the steps towards self-care loving yourself. Not feeling responsible for the evil actions of others. Turn your back on whatever or whoever is pulling you down. Believe that there is a better world out there.